I’m still here!

It’s been a while since I last posted something, and for those who follow my blog or read at least somewhat regularly, you’ll probably have noticed that I deleted some posts because a) the latest post (I’ve deleted) was just me unloading my negativity into the world instead of standing up for myself and actively changing something for the better and b) I get a clearer picture now on what to do with my short story ‘Silence’.

To all my followers: Thank you so so much for still being here and being interested in what I got to say!

I never planned to be absent for so long actually, it just happened. I’m going through rather rough times at the moment, having followed my soul to a point of no return. It’s either go through with it now or die ‘in the harness’, which also leads me to a very interesting financial situation with hardly any space to move. So, if you got something to share, big or small, I will be very happy if you would consider donating something to my PayPal account here.

On the positive side this situation has let me to look at things from a different perspective, because the energies you hold inside are what creates your life circumstances on the outside. I’ve known that since I first read about it, and it’s the thing that gives me strength right now because since we are the creators of our life’s circumstances, we also have the power to change things around for the better with the help of energy clearings and being in the Now. And I can feel how much lighter I become with each and every energy clearing I’m doing 🙂

Plus, I’ve also changed my perspective on the things that I truly want to do. I know I want to make music, I know I want to be an artist. Recently I went inside to see what instruments I truly want to play. And I found that, if money were not an issue (and if some other things were not an issue), I’d love to play Bazantar. Since that’s not an option right now, and I had initially dropped my current double bass because I’ve reached a playing level where the bass itself can’t help me learn much any more, I’ve changed my mind about my current double bass. It also comes with an issue which is the bridge being too high for playing with a bow. Before I initially gave up on my double bass, I’d started ‘repairing’ the bridge by lowering the slits in the bridge to a more appropriate level for bow playing. I’ve begun doing that again. It won’t be long until I can start playing again! Playing this bass now allows me to continue playing until, one fine day, I’ll be able to buy a good-quality 5 string double bass which then hopefully can and will be transformed into a Bazantar.
I’ll let you know how I started playing double bass and how I learnt about the instrument in a later post.

The other instruments I’m truly interested in are the violin and harp. I hope I’ll be able to learn playing the celtic harp in the future, aside from my kantele (which is also described as the ‘Finnish lap harp’, though if it’s technically a harp I don’t know).
I’m really happy about the wonderful progress with the violin I made lately; I’m nearly on my double bass playing skill level even though I just started out playing the violin in Octobre last year 🙂 I replaced the strings with some strings of my kantele to get a different sound, because honestly if money and a lot of other things were not an issue, I’d love to play a violin with sympathetic strings, much like the Bazantar. Dreams …

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s party and started off into 2020 well! 🙂

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Disclaimer: Linking to people, blogs and websites in this post does not mean that I share all their views and opinions. I placed those links in this post for others to see the sources of parts of my knowledge and use this knowledge to their own liking.

… and here comes ‘Silence’!

Here’s a short story I wrote about 2 years ago (well, 2 years and a bit) and published under a pen name. I did delete it because I had initially published it for reasons that had nothing to do with the story in itself. Now I’m not sure what to do about it, so I thought why not post it here on this blog?

Here’s the blurb:

In an alternate 21st century, Rob meets Dominique, a seemingly shy woman who happens to live in the villa he thought of as being a ruin for the major part of his life.
In an attempt to uncover fact from fiction, Rob struggles as he discovers that the facts don’t match with what he’s believed in so far.
Will he be able to find the true meaning of it all?

This work, both the cover artwork and the short story, are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

Reality. Did it differ from person to person? Did everybody experience it the same way? What was reality? Was it just the sum of the things we could see, the experiences we made and the emotions and thoughts we had? I wondered about it as I lay on the sandy shore. From the forest behind me the astounding symphony of hundreds of birds reached my ear. The ocean in front of me sparkled greenish under the summer sun. The gentle sound of the waves soothed me in a way nothing else ever could; like a balm caressing my soul.
This part of the shore was fenced off by some rocks, the reason why I hadn’t noticed the woman before who walked along the beach. She held her shoes in one hand while the waves gently embraced her feet. Her brown locks were tied together in what seemed to me like a half bun, and her top caressed her body like a light summer breeze. Despite her skirt ending above her knees, her legs were so very long. And although she seemed to be used to walking a lot, they were somewhat delicate. She was beautiful. Naturally so. It ached me that most people probably wouldn’t want to acknowledge or simply didn’t recognise her beauty, for you could still see that she had a small belly, along with her trained legs it meant that her figure didn’t correspond to the current beauty ideal.
She stopped and turned towards the ocean. Had she seen me? Probably not – we were the only people here. It was no wonder, since the popular parts of the beach with all the hotels and bars were at the other side of town. Maybe it was the reason why she had come to this part? To bathe in the beauty of nature. Well, it was definitely the reason why I had come. For me, there was no better place to think of a new song than amidst nature itself. A smile stole itself onto my face as I remembered that most of the artists I’ve had the privilege to meet during the years would never dare to play outside without a license. Intrigued to find out her reasons, I decided to grab my violin case and go to her. My bare feet sank a little into the sand with each step I walked, allowing me to feel the warmth of the sand. When I had almost reached her, she turned around and looked at me. First, her glance rested on my face, then it moved from my long hair hanging loosely over my chest, further on over my sleeveless top to my long skirt. I expected to see some form of discontent on her face or hear her say something of the sort, because it was rare these days to see a man with long hair and even more scarce to see a man wearing a skirt, but her face remained expressionless at first. When her glance returned to my face she smiled at me. It was a sad smile.
Nevertheless I smiled back at her, then I asked: ‘Do you come to this place often? It’s the first time I see you here.’
Her smile intensified a little. ‘You got an interesting way of expressing yourself. Usually people would say do you come here often.’
‘I don’t like this excessive use of here. To me it sounds as if people were too lazy to name what they’re talking about.’ I was well aware that my wording might sound a bit rude to some, at the same time I did see no reason to hide what I was thinking. It showed in the way I was talking after all.
The woman turned half around, so that she could see both me and the ocean. ‘It’s such a beautiful place. I never thought such a place would exist when I moved in.’ She said no more, and the look in her very eyes drifted away, as if something was tormenting her. Her brown eyes which were so dark they were almost black. It cost me a lot of willpower not to drown in them.
‘Well, if you follow the beach further around town, you’ll come to the area most popular with tourists. I cannot recommend it.’
She giggled. I must’ve looked really silly at that moment.
‘I can imagine why. Could you show me around the beautiful part of the beach? And of the town as well? I’m not very skilled in making first contacts, that’s why I’m always happy when I meet somebody who’s willing to help me.’ Her shy smile couldn’t hide that she seemed to expect me to say no. How could I say no? I’ve always been someone who helped when help was needed. And she clearly was new and needed someone to get her through the first weeks.
‘You can count on me,’ I said. ‘I’m Rob.’
‘I’m Dominique. Nice to make your acquaintance.’ She shook my hand, more firmly than I had expected. ‘Which way do we have to walk to stay in this beautiful area?’ Despite her French name she didn’t have an accent.
‘This way.’ I started walking the way she’d come from. To be fair we could’ve walked a bit in the opposite direction, but I was curious about the place Dominique was living in. I hadn’t heard that somebody had moved into town lately and I didn’t know there was a house this far out of town – except for the old forsaken villa, which was nothing but a ruin. Nobody could live there. Dominique walked silently beside me. With wide eyes filled with wonder she took in everything nature had to offer.
As we walked we were accompanied by the gentle sound of the waves and the symphony of the birds. A few white clouds sailed on the light breeze that played in our hair. I lost myself in thoughts, wondering about who this woman was and where she had come from.
After what seemed to have been an eternity the temperature cooled down a little. There were more clouds in the sky now. Their white colour had turned into a grey which was so dark it threatened to smother the earth. Dominique stopped. She must’ve noticed the change in the weather as well.
‘Do you live far from here?’ she asked, turning to me.
‘I live on the edge of town, it’s not that far.’
‘You got an instrument with you, wear no shoes and have to return all the way we’ve come.’ She seemed to say it more to herself, as if she was considering something.
‘It’s OK, really. If I run I’ll still make it in time.’ I hoped my guess wasn’t wrong.
Dominique violently shook her head. ‘No. You’ve stayed with a complete stranger this whole time. Let me at least reciprocate your kindness by offering you a dry place until the weather has cleared up.’ She seemed much stronger than before now and her whole demeanour told me that she didn’t accept a no. The light breeze had turned into a cool wind, urging us to seek shelter.
I tried to hide my excitement with a sigh. At the same time I felt bad about not having had the courage to ask her directly. ‘Thank you for your kind offer. You’re living nearby, right?’
‘Yes, I live in a house on a small hill at the edge of the forest.’ Dominique pointed to a hill straight ahead of us before putting on her shoes. At first I could see only trees, but the longer I looked at it, the better I could see a house shaping itself out of the green and brown background. My heart stopped for a moment when I saw that it was indeed a villa.
‘Come, we shouldn’t lose any more time.’ She grabbed me by the arm and ran straight towards a small path that lead into the forest. While the air was still getting cooler and the scent of rain hang heavily in the air, we ran through the forest and up the hill. The chilly touch of the first huge raindrops falling down from the sky felt strange on my skin. A strong contrast was the still warm forest floor turning to mud beneath my bare feet. When we had reached the villa, it didn’t look like the ruin in which I had spent some time of my childhood days. Instead, the villa looked like a villa should: a two storey building with a veranda in the front. The whole façade was decorated with vibrant hues of green and brown, the windowsills were ornamented with leaves and the windows themselves shone despite the bad weather. With a last sprint Dominique and I reached the veranda. Just in time it seemed. The rain fell to its own sound of a million tiny drums. Dominique took off a thin black necklace with a key hanging on its end. With it she opened the door.
‘Come in,’ she said as she got out of her shoes. I followed her through a waiting room and into a small corridor which let us to what seemed to me to be a living room with a cosy fireplace and the obligatory sofa, armchair and coffee table. The house didn’t exactly seem new, you could see traces of living here and there – especially in the ashes in the fireplace. Still, it was aeons away from the ruin I had expected to see. The villa must’ve been rebuilt during the one time I’d been living abroad. I made a mental note to ask about it around town.
‘You seem to be surprised.’ Dominique seemed to have guessed some of my thoughts.
‘Well, when I was still a child this villa was a ruin. My friends and I used to play here sometimes.’
Dominique looked at me for a bit longer before she let her gaze stray through the room. Eventually her glance returned to me. ‘My grandpa bequeathed this villa to me. I only learned about it after his death and because I’ve never been here before, I didn’t know what to expect. All I had for reference were pictures. Pictures of a villa and of the ruins of it, but because these photographs had no dates written on their backs, I assumed that the house had been rebuilt. Last month I decided to come and have a look.’ She sat down on the sofa and laid her head on its back to look up at me. ‘This place is what I’ve been searching for for a long time, so I decided to move in.’
I sat down in the armchair beside her and put my violin case down between us. ‘You see, I haven’t been living in this town for my whole life, maybe this villa has been rebuilt at some time.’
I expected her to feel uncomfortable, but she didn’t.
‘Really? What made you return here?’ she asked instead.
‘The peace and the beauty of the place. And I missed my loved ones.’ Well, the second reason was no real one since most of my friends had moved away anyway and I was glad when I didn’t have to spend that much time with my family. Their view on life was far too different from mine. Yet I’ve made the experience that people simply expected to hear it. I felt uncomfortable as Dominique eyed me up; I didn’t want her to guess my thoughts again. ‘What were your reasons?’ I asked as a distraction, well-knowing that she had already mentioned it a few moments ago.
‘Well, it’s similar to yours. I’ve been searching for a quiet and beautiful place where I could live. You know, being a freelance translator gives me the freedom to work from home,’ she explained in more detail. ‘What about you?’
‘I’m a musician of sorts. Though my songs aren’t very well-known, they still sell well enough to pay my bills, every now and then at least. I still have to work part time.’ I tried to say it as matter-of-factly as possible, trying not to sound too snobbish.
Her eyes widened in surprise. ‘You earn that well?’
‘Yeah, I’m lucky.’ Unfortunately the only way to make a name for yourself, and the only way to have a somewhat steady income which paid your bills and more, was to always do most things, if not everything, according to the book. Dominique must have guessed from my appearance that my music was somewhat different, which is why her reaction was no surprise to me at all.
Outside a merciless storm threw thousands of poor raindrops against the house; lightning split the sky every now and then and thunder shook the earth. A thunder so deep it crept into my bones. Dominique must’ve felt it as well, for she shook herself. The darkness in her eyes intensified once more as she seemed to remember some distant past.
After a short while she returned to normal, and although she tried to act as if nothing had happened, she still appeared to be somewhat tense. ‘Ah, I’m sorry. You’d like to drink anything?’
‘A cup of coffee would be nice.’ Although it had been rather warm today, I needed something to distract me from the storm. The last time I had experienced such an extreme one was already some time ago.
Dominique got up but stopped in front of the fireplace, half turning to me. ‘Could you set up the fire while I’m preparing our drinks? It’s getting a bit chilly…’
‘Leave it to me,’ I said and got up. Dominique smiled in gratitude and hurried back into the corridor as I went to the hearth. I grabbed a few of the logs that were neatly placed beside it and set up the fire. As it crackled into life, it somewhat eased the tense atmosphere the storm had created.
After a while Dominique returned. The wonderful scent of freshly brewed coffee wafted towards me as she set the mug down on the coffee table in front of me and put down another in front of herself. Though the liquid was dark, it more seemed like tea to me but without the tale-telling scent of black, green or herbal tea. She breathed in deeply, almost as if she couldn’t yet enjoy the comfort the fire gave.
‘How come your songs aren’t well-known if you can really sort of live from your music?’ There was a curious sparkle in her dark brown eyes and although she sounded a bit confused, she indeed seemed to have heard some inside stories or at least guessed something about the music business. I was fortunate enough to be able to easily tell when someone was stupid. Dominique definitely wasn’t.
‘Maybe you’ve heard that the rights to both major and minor keys lie in the hands of a French company called “La Triade”, which has been founded in the late 17th century, originally to help spread the beauty of the major and minor keys across the world; at least that’s how they put it. It’s the reason why you have to pay a license fee each time you use one of these scales, no matter whether it’s about recording or playing your own or somebody else’s music or simply practising. The amount of what you got to pay depends on how you use these scales. Maybe you’ve heard that most music these days is composed with chords. As they’re still based on the very scales “La Triade” offers, you have to pay this license fee, whether you want to or not. If you don’t you’re in trouble. The same goes for playing outside without a license from “La Triade” and the city you live in.
‘If you want it broken down in a few sentences, you could say that you always got to pay a license fee, no matter how you compose, or what style of music you’re active in, and even if you’re just practising alone at home with no one listening, it makes no difference. There’s also the thing that minor scales are always more expensive than major ones.’ That didn’t even scratch the surface of how difficult things were, with the art of publishing my music not taken into account yet.
‘Really? There’s a difference in the pricing? And you have to pay this fee even if you’re just practising?’ Dominique asked, obviously confused.
‘Unfortunately yes, but … I think it’s one of the reasons why most of the music of the last couple of centuries is written in major scales or chords. “Modern” music is no difference; and it’s sort of expected, although I think most people aren’t even aware of it. They simply favour music written in major scales because they’re used to hearing it all the time. Of course you shouldn’t forget that, especially in the time of classical composers, mostly Requiems and Death Marches were written in minor scales. These are deeply associated with death, even today, yet you can find musicians who are willing to break out of old habits and write fast, happy pieces in minor scales.’ I could’ve switched between scales and chords as it doesn’t really make a difference in today’s world, with the little exception that most musicians out there will tell you they compose with chords. But because I didn’t want to confuse Dominique, as she didn’t let on whether she was familiar with the difference between the two terms, I found it easier for her to stick with scales.
‘Do you belong to these musicians who write such music?’ Dominique leaned a little forwards, and her whole demeanour gave me reason to assume she was honestly interested.
‘Well, I try my best.’ Against my will I felt a smile steeling itself onto my cheeks.
An amused one appeared on her lips. Although it didn’t reach her eyes, it seemed real enough to me. ‘I should’ve known. Your whole appearance doesn’t fit in.’ She shook her head.
I was unsure as to how to interpret what she just said. Should I ask her how she meant it? I decided to leave it be for the moment.
Dominique wanted to say something, but a roaring thunder cut her off. She shrieked in surprise. The tremendous sound shook every cell of my body and sent shivers down my spine. I grasped my mug with both hands and sipped from the coffee. As its warmth ran through every inch of my body, it soothed me in a way only a blanket could have done on a night such as this.
Dominique, too, clutched her mug. Obviously her beverage couldn’t do the same for her. She stared into the fire, as if its gentle crackling had put a spell on her, making her oblivious to the rest of the world.
The rain being tossed against the windows was like a series of waves, waves of sound that sang me to sleep.

Constructive criticism and helpful comments welcome!
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Chapter 2’s out!

A Picture Of Words

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
Please Note: If you’d like to use my artwork for commercial purposes, please do contact me via the contact form below (if you have a WordPress.com account, simply leave a comment) and I’ll get back to you 😉

Basically what the title says; I painted with words in the most literal sense 😉
I tried my best to get the brighter parts of the text as readable as possible. It is very readable when I look at it here in my flat, but my camera couldn’t quite capture it the way I see it here.
I leave it up to you ‘how’ to understand this artwork.

In case you don’t speak Japanese, here’s the translation of the Japanese parts of my artwork:
ここどこ? -> Where am I?
・・・愛だけだ -> … is only love
上に闇 -> above is darkness
全てが幻だのを知っていったら、何するの? -> If you knew that everything is an illusion, what do you do?
下に光 -> below is light
光 -> light
闇 -> darkness
愛 -> love
幻 -> illusion
時があるかどうか、時がないか? -> Does time exist or doesn’t it exist?
時 ~ 何? -> Time ~ what’s that?
時がない場合は、何ができるの? -> If time doesn’t exist, what can you do?
もしかして時がない? -> Maybe time doesn’t exist?
心の中に愛は・・・ -> In my heart love is…

Like this?

To be who I am

Have you ever wondered how it feels like? To be who you are?

Recently I wondered what I’d like to do in life and what I’ll showcase on this blog and on the Internet. While doing this one thing stood out for me that I hadn’t noticed, but now realised I had done before. I wanted to try to convince the world that I belong to my core soul family before I dared deepening the relationship between us seven by thinking about putting covers online and proving to the world that I, as a violinist and double bassist, was a good enough player to have a right to be with my amazing core soul family. When I realised that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I also realised that I don’t want to cover songs because I find it much more interesting and fulfilling to play an additional melody line along to an already existing song. And, as the flip switched, I also started writing a song of my own. You will most likely hear it at some point, but not on this blog.
However, you’ll hear from us in the near future 🙂

This actually changes the purpose of this blog. Keep it? Don’t keep it? Well, I’ll definitely keep it, I’ll just change the overall topic. From a mostly music related blog to one that’s centred more around the other crazy artsy stuff that I do.
What that is? For one, I love painting with watercolours. It’s something that I want to pursue more. Aside from this I’m discovering my feminine side. Yes I’ve been born as a girl but I’ve been suppressing my feminine side since I was little. It didn’t help that society suggested that, as a girl/woman, you had to apply make up and, in the environment I was brought up in, I was under the impression that, because I was born a girl, I had to know how to apply make up without being told. That’s one of the reasons why I never really used it and why I never truly felt like I was ‘one of the girls’. I recently realised that instead, I tried to be one of the guys. Which, of course, didn’t really work out either and I only ended up hurting myself for such a long time.
To cut the long story short I’ve started using make up recently. Well lip stick and some eyeliner and eye shadow first. I still got to get used to the idea to have some substance on my skin (one of the reasons why I don’t find it that easy to apply sun lotion on hot, sunny days). And, I can feel I’m drawn to wanting to make my own beauty products. I’ve already started with making my own body oil, scar tissue oil, toothpaste, shampoo, washing detergent, dishwashing liquid … and home made chocolate 🙂
Another thing I feel drawn to is making my own clothing. Currently I’m working on a T-shirt (in the middle of autumn haha). I paint the front with a dragon. I’ll show you once it’s done 😉

One thing I wasn’t too sure about was my ebook called “Silence”. Did I really want to republish it under the shortened version of my true name, which you can read in the header, or did I want to drop it and just forget about it? To be honest I was in favour of dropping it for quite a while but I’ve changed my mind. I still want to republish it. The cover is almost done. I will upload it this week. The aggregator I work with usually needs 2 to 4 weeks to make the ebook available everywhere; Amazon, Kobo, Apple, Google, you name it. Once I know when it’s available everywhere I’ll let you know and treat you with a cover reveal along the way 😉

Another thing I had to come to terms with is my double bass. Yes I love my instrument dearly, however I’ve reached a point where, in order to really progress as an instrumentalist, I need a better bass. This is a truth I didn’t want to see for a long while. I know this since April, but somehow I’ve always tried to find reasons why I could keep on playing this particular double bass. I got to disattach from my current instrument, and also from any attachments to money, because an intermediate instrument costs somewhere between €7,500 and €10,000 (yes I live on the continent; it’s somewhere between £5,000 to £8,000 or $9,000 to $15,000 respectively). If you think that’s much, please keep in mind that an adult-sized instrument is about 2 metres tall.
Which means that I got to save up some money before I can start playing double bass again.

If you’d like to help me get my new double bass sooner, you can do this here.

My Music Journey: Mother Earth

Since this blog is also about music, I thought I’d share with you some of the songs that inspired me.

The first in line is *tadaa* Mother Earth by the Dutch [I’m actually not quite sure which genre they are ‘assigned to’ at this point] band Within Temptation:

For me it’s the song that started it all. Sure I listened to music before, but only to those artists that were more or less popular in the charts. Anything that didn’t appear in the charts I didn’t know about.
Then in 2000 there was an anime on telly called ‘X’ and Mother Earth was the opening theme for that anime (I later found out it was the European opening theme). I was hooked immediately to the song, but the story in the anime triggered me, which is why I forgot about the song. Until 2001 that is, when the song alongside the video (see above) was aired on an independent German music TV channel called Onyx. It was during an hour long afternoon program where they only played rock and metal songs. I tuned in one afternoon, and as far as I remember I was alone (for I had control over the telly 😉 ). So far I hadn’t consciously listened to metal at all, and if I ran into the odd song it was mostly because a song from Metallica was in the charts, and of rock I only knew those artists that were – you guess it – in the charts.
Well, when I stumbled into Mother Earth once more I was hooked again, to that date the hardest kind of music that I liked. And if you listen to the song (I highly recommend it) or press the play button on the video in this post and watch the video, you’ll find a beautiful melody with a beautiful, rich atmosphere and something that struck a chord in me. I can’t quite name it, but it makes this song even more magical for me.

If you look up Within Temptation you’ll find they played Mother Earth during their orchestra show ‘Black Symphony’. I only watched this show from DVD, but what really astonished me is how this song sparkles like a diamond with a live orchestra and a live choir 🙂

After my re-encounter with this beautiful song I needed some self-convincing, because deep down I thought I was going against the authorities by listening to and even liking non-charts music, but eventually I went to buy the album Mother Earth, of which this song is the title track. What can I say? I was (and am still) in love! From that moment on a whole new world of music opened up to me 🙂 I dived in deeper into metal, stumbled onto more bands like Nightwish and After Forever, who introduced me to the harder forms of metal, but that is for another post.

And so my musical journey began. How did yours begin?

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The Article that wrote Itself

To be honest I didn’t expect to write an article today. When I looked into my mailbox, I found a notifiyer from WordPress that people had liked some of my articles and even started following me. (Thank you!) That’s why I logged in, visited those blogs of these kind people, read what they had to share with the world and then I thought about using the search function in the Reader to find some more amazing blogs.
Yeah, only my intuition directed me to writing this article. That’s why we’re here now. To be honest I don’t know what to expect myself because, even though I usually write my articles with intuition, I usually got a topic in my head. This time I’m like a blank slate. As I’m typing this I see ‘The Universe Got Your Back’ highlighted on a deck of cards 🙂

Actually writing this article isn’t so different from life. You never know what might come next because there are so many possibilities, so many roads untravelled, no matter what others or even the voices in your head or your emotions say. As you never know what comes next, all you can do is ride the waves and trust your intuition, your soul above all. Even if it might lead you into a situation where you suddenly find yourself limited in some way, like no steady income, no idea how to pay your bills and buy some food for yourself (or any other situation that comes to your mind here). The Beauty is to always stay afloat, to always ride your waves in the Now and entrust yourself to that inner force, that inner strength deep within you. When you allow everything to be as it is, then you’ll find true freedom and peace, no matter how your life situation might look like right now. And know that there always is a way out of pain! It’s right here, right now.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

If you’re struggling with life right now (it doesn’t necessarily have to be a situation I’ve outlined above), try to go within and be the watcher of your inner voices and your emotions. If this is still a little difficult for you, then find yourself an area where you can sit in silence (either in your home or out in a park/forest) and just witness everything that happens within.
You don’t necessarily have to close your eyes for that. You could take one of your plants to your “silence area” and watch it while it is perfectly okay with everything that is in that moment. Or watch your cat(s) or other pets while they’re being. Alternatively, if you don’t have any plants or pets and don’t want to go out for this, you can also listen to the silence between the sounds. Without silence, there is no sound. And when you find silence without, you also find silence within.
If you’re out in a park or forest, you could pick a tree or plant that picks your interest (for no particular reason), look at the sky or simply take in the whole scene. Feel the wind on your skin, hear the birds… Again it might be helpful to listen to the silence between the sounds and feel the space around you.

No matter whether you’re new to living in awareness of your true core self or you already got your own wisdom ready to share with the world, I’d love to hear from you! 🙂

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Who I am?!

Yeah, well, this article is actually an incentive from my soul. I never planned to reveal as much about myself as I’m going to do now because I thought that a) people wouldn’t believe me at all, b) if they did they’d come up with reasons why I don’t belong anywhere, or c) simply pity me.
My soul however made it obvious to me (starting a few days ago) that daring to be more outgoing and standing up for who I am was the way to let my loves and my soul family fully into my life. This is how the idea to this article was born.

Who am I? you might be wondering.
For a long time I thought that was obviously the ‘me’, the person who wore a name that sounded at least somewhat like I ‘belonged’ to the society and country (Germany) I was living in at the time (and still do to a certain extent). Looking back, and also from time to time, I always had a sense of ‘something wasn’t quite right’. Something just didn’t really fit the picture of who I was ‘supposed to be’ but I couldn’t really tell ‘why’ or ‘how’ when asked. All I knew for sure was that German never felt like my native language and the family I was, let’s call it ‘staying’ with, had always made me feel like I was the visitor child, the one who was brought to replace something lost but was still never truly accepted. (I later found out I was ‘replacing’ their deceased daughter.)
The one language that had always felt like a native language to me was English, later, when I started to learn Japanese it clicked with me in a way only English had previously. I’ve always felt drawn to British English, and I’ve recently found out that wasn’t so far off because I’ve been born in Scotland. On the Shetland Islands. And yes, a lot of that is still blurry but I’ve also remembered a lot thanks to a very special someone who was already part of my soul family at the time and who is now one of my loves. She helped me fill in most of the gaps during our time together as children and also helped me remember other parts of my childhood that got lost (because I myself had lost a lot), together with our love. (Yes, we’re three people in a romantic relationship with each other.) As my memories returned it also turned out I had spent some time with my blood related family in Finland (I think it was about a year), where I met more members of my soul family (I’ve faced my demons! Believe it, we live as we dream!) but also lost a lot again. My entire world too. Including my identity.

As you might imagine I struggled a lot in life. And like most I went for all the securities. ‘Securities’ included for me also to believe in what others told me and to always think or believe that others and their opinion were always right and I never was. A lot of people told me that I ‘was’ the name that is printed on my ID card. Even now some of my friends have problems believing me, but I’ve realised, also thanks to my own awakening process, that they don’t struggle with me but with their own fears and unconsciousness.

I also call this awakening process the ‘ascension of soul’ because it’s about shedding old, outdated fears and believe systems to realise your Divinity, your Oneness with the entirety of existence, because truly everything and everyone are linked with each other. I’ve already had some experiences where I experienced this for myself and I find myself more and more feeling my soul within me and feeling how I’m connected to the Universe, to Source itself. Some of the signs I receive daily point to my rebirth being near! 🙂

Looking back now I’ve always had moments where I was awakening from my dream of life, sometimes these moments ‘lasted’ longer, sometimes they were fleeting glimpses because I still carried lots of fear and negativity with me at the time. The one point where my awakening process has started (and hasn’t stopped since) was in summer 2014 where I ran into an anime that interested me. When I later started reading the manga (around Easter 2015; it’s called D.Gray Man), I found that a) I like the manga more (the author is one hell of a storyteller!) and b) it hit very close to home in many areas, and still continues to do so, all the while helping me connect to my loves. Because I found that opening up to love is an inside journey. And yes, this universe is love. So if you open up to unconditional love, you also open up to the universe and your deepest core self.
Another crucial point in my awakening process was in 2017, when I started reading a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. That really helped me go deeper within and dare do things I normally wouldn’t have done without outside help, like opening up to being. For longer than just a ‘short’ moment. (‘Short’ because time, like fear, is an illusion.) Once again I received help in the form of this book to open myself up to my true self and ultimately my loves (and also to very important parts of my soul family as I later found out). And because I opened up more inside, I finally recognised my loves for who they are, which triggered my speed ascension in March this year. Ever since we’ve been exploring more about my true self, also with the help of spiritual teachers who’ve helped me and us really by showing me ways to clear out my energies through their work. Thank you!

When you’ve read this far, you’ll probably understand now why I was hesitant to link to my ebook called ”Silence” in this earlier post, or why I didn’t tell you the title directly. Truth is, I was scared about what people might do if they found out the name given as the author’s name sounds a bit German. Add to this that I still legally haven’t become myself yet, because I first got to find the members of my blood related family who aren’t dead, and who still care enough about me that they’d want to see me again. And, I’d be happy if I could somehow become a part of your life again. (If you’re reading this: I use a shortened version of my name in the header).
To be honest I’m still scared while writing these lines, but I’ve also found out that the only way out of pain is staying in the Now which automatically brings you in alignment with your soul. No matter what it is, trust your soul! It’s got access to a wisdom much greater than the human mind could ever conceive.

You can buy the 1st edition of my ebook “Silence” here (UK) and here (US).

You can also just say ‘hi’ or drop a comment below! I’d love to hear from you!
If you’ve gone or are going through an awakening process as well, what are your experiences?

Please help keep this blog strong by donating. Thank you!

Teaching yourself the violin?

Yep, this post goes out to everyone who teaches themselves the violin (or any other instrument for that matter) and would love to have a sneak peak into how others are doing.

Well, I’ve started about 2 weeks ago with my violin self-teaching, but please do hang on! Because this isn’t the first time I’m learning an instrument. As you might have read here I’m also playing the double bass (yes I took lessons but only for three years. There’s going to be a separate post about this. You’ll find the link *here* as soon as it’s up 😉 )
As you might know, the first obstacle to handle when wanting to learn any instrument is to get your hands on one. Now there are plenty of resources out there which will help you to find the perfect instrument for you at this point in your journey, that’s why I won’t go into that here. Suffice to say that I tried a different approach for myself this time around. Firstly I wanted to start out with a better quality violin because honestly I’m relearning the instrument. I played it when I was 2 or 3 for maybe not longer than a year (my memory is a bit blurry) because life happened and I had to give up on the violin.
And secondly, I wanted a left hand instrument because a) I’m a left hander and b) I know from experience with my double bass the strong effect that playing with your strong hand has, no matter what anybody else says. For me, it took my double bass playing to a completely different level. So if anyone out there is thinking about getting themselves a left hand instrument, go for it if you can! It’s worth it!
And after some querying and finding out I found that, because of my current life situation, I had to settle with a student violin, right hand version. I’ve also found a website for left hand violin/fiddle players where it was mentioned that it is indeed possible to play a right hand violin left handed (you cannot really say that about a double bass for instance). Unfortunately I’ve forgotten the website’s name and I’ve even forgotten to bookmark it. If I find it again I’ll link it *here*.

The point is, I tried out playing a right hand violin left handed and it worked! I swapped the chin rest with one for left handers of course, but so far I’m making wonderful progress! 🙂 My right hand knows where to move on the fingerboard to ‘find’ the right notes and my bowing gets steadily better, also thanks to a video on bowing technique which I will add at the bottom of this post, along with other videos which helped me start out. It’s not an exhaustive list, I therefore recommend to check out this post regularly 😉
Also, I’ve been playing double bass for a few years now, and because of the mirror tuning between double bass and violin (I explain it here), I got to think head over heals so to speak, especially when I play one of my favourite songs on violin which I enjoy playing on the double bass. Truth to be told, I am fluent in reading sheet music in the bass clef, but reading sheet music in the treble clef is still something I got to improve…

One thing that does come up for me in my violin playing is an issue I was already faced with in my double bass playing: my body does tense up shortly after I start playing each time I practise. Because the ascension of my soul was triggered in summer 2014 when I ran into a story that helped me face my true self, and I’m constantly in the Now, (also thanks to Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now,) I realised that it is the energies that I still got within myself that keep me tensing up whenever I do stuff I enjoy or simply everyday stuff (like brushing my teeth). Thanks to that realisation and my efforts to clear out those energies it got a lot better 🙂
Still it keeps me from playing as long as I’d love to and it also influences my bowing abilities, even more so with the violin. Despite it all I’m thinking about playing along to songs I like; probably start out with one and then see how I feel about it. If it goes well you’ll be watching videos of me playing my beautiful violin along to a song shortly 😉

Here’s the videos I was talking about earlier:
Beginner’s violin lessons which helped me a lot
A channel I generally recommend for those of you who’d like to learn how to play violin, whether you’re self-taught or not
A video on bowing technique (which I talked about earlier) – I discovered it some years back when I tried to improve my double bass bowing and it has helped me back then, now it helps me even more with my violin bowing 🙂 Even if the presentation irks you I recommend you watch it anyway because the tips in this video are well worth the watch!

What’s your story so far? Are you learning the violin or any other instrument? I’d love to hear from you!

Again, if you have any questions or insights, feel free to drop a comment 😉

Please help keep this blog strong by donating. Thank you!

Disclaimer: Linking to people, blogs and websites in this post does not mean that I share all their views and opinions. I placed those links in this post for others to see the sources of parts of my knowledge and use this knowledge to their own liking.

Welcome to the home of all things artsy :)

Welcome to the home of music, art (mostly paintings), fiction writing (more on that in a later post 😉 ) peppered with my own insights on present moment awareness and the odd poem finding its way into my paintings.

Yes, this is the home for all that is me, art related. As you can read at the top of this blog, I play three different instruments. And yes, I’m just starting out on my musical journey, that is, creating my own music. Symphonic Metal is a heart’s calling for me, that’s why I didn’t need dive deep into my very core to find out what kind of music I’d like to play/create.

Even though the violin might seem like it would fit the genre, I’m sure many of you didn’t expect to find the double bass mentioned right next to it. That again is a heart’s calling, and in my case it’s not just the double bass. Once I’ve got my hands on a good quality 5 string double bass, my dream is to have it transformed into a Bazantar. To have a Double Bass/Bazantar Twin so to speak. If you aren’t familiar with a Bazantar, it’s a 5 string double bass with 4 drone strings and even more sympathetic strings. Have a look here to hear and see the instrument being played as well as further information.

Speaking of twins, for me as a player it’s quite intriguing that the double bass (in standard tuning) is tuned anti-parallel, or mirror-like, when compared to the violin. This means that both instruments are tuned G D A E, whereas for the double bass the G string is the highest and E the lowest string, for the violin the G string is the lowest and the E string the highest. [If you are a musician or at least somewhat familiar with music theory: the double bass is tuned in a perfect fourth and the violin in a perfect fifth.]
(In case you aren’t familiar with how to tune a double bass and wonder what exactly ‘standard tuning’ is supposed to mean: There are two ways to tune a double bass. The first way, as outlined above, is the standard way to tune the instrument, also referred to as ‘standard tuning’. The second way is to tune the double bass a whole tone higher, which results in an A E B F# tuning, from highest to lowest string. It is most commonly referred to as ‘solo tuning’ because most solo players play in this kind of tuning.)
I myself play in standard tuning because I find it fits symphonic metal quite nicely 😀 However, it might take a while until you’ll hear/watch me play because my current double bass is being repaired. The bridge is too high which results in having to use too much strength to hold down the strings on the fingerboard and good bow articulation being more a dream than reality. I’ll let you know once I get my bass back 😀

The violin is also a heart’s calling for me. I started playing when I was a child, but then life happened and I forgot about it. Luckily I remembered this beautiful instrument this year and I got myself a wonderful violin a little over a week ago. When I first held the instrument in my hands magic happened! The instrument clicked into me (or I into the instrument) in a way as if I’d be seeing an old friend again without the feeling that any time had passed at all. That is to say my right hand, which holds down the strings on the fingerboard (yes I’m a left hander!), knows exactly where to move to get to the right notes. Bowing however is something that I still need to improve, because, honestly, I’ve been playing/bowing the double bass for almost six years now, which has influenced how I move my bow arm and such. Don’t get me wrong. There is no real difference in bowing both instruments, the posture is, which ultimately influences the way the bow arm moves. Once I feel I’m good enough to showcase my violin playing, you’ll find me playing along (as in playing my own melody lines) to songs of my choice. With both the violin and the double bass. I’ll also update you on my journey into the world of creating my own music 😀

Which actually brings me to the third instrument I play: the Kantele. It is a traditional Finnish zither, I’ve also seen it mentioned as a ‘lap harp’ somewhere. Most of you will probably wonder what exactly a kantele is, maybe some have heard about it before. Have a look here, but you can also do your own search anytime you like 😀

Personally I use it more as a meditative instrument as its sound allows me to relax and let my soul play the instrument directly without any ‘interference’. It helps me also with approaching my double bass and violin from a different angle, as I think that playing any instrument with your soul directly without any ‘interference’ from the energies in you in the form of thoughts, emotions or feelings not only improves your playing experience but also the music you put out into the world.

Or to put it simply: Play your instrument (and do everything else really) from your heart, with both feet ‘planted’ firmly in the Now.

If you have any questions or just want to say ‘hi’, feel free to drop a comment below 🙂

Please help keep this blog strong by donating. Thank you!

Disclaimer: Linking to people, blogs and websites in this post does not mean that I share all their views and opinions. I placed those links in this post for others to see the sources of parts of my knowledge and use this knowledge to their own liking.

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